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| Illustration by Hayley Potter |
Why bread is rubbish
by Luke Hayward
Bread is bad for you. Bread makes you fat. Bread is something that requires so few ingredients, and so little time to make, that it is a wonder that supermarkets still manage to fuck it up.
Bread is uncouth. Bread is rude. Bread is a substitute for cutlery and dinnerware and manners so that the unwashed masses can eat with their hands in public, breathing heavily through mouthfuls of BLT as they lumber their way down the high street, spraying crumbs in their miserable wake.
Bread is the cheap crap they fill your stomach with at restaurants instead of real food, So that the waiter has something to do between pouring your wine and bringing you your starter. So that you won’t notice how long it takes for the food to arrive.
Bread is rubbish cake. Cake without any of the good stuff, like butter and sugar and eggs. This is why some bread has raisins in it. It thinks it’s cake. It tries to be a cake, but a teacake is fooling no one. Nor is the English muffin.
After eliminating bread from your life, you can free up further valuable kitchen space by throwing out the most selfish of all single use kitchen appliances, the toaster. Try tossing it in the bath.
Luke Hayward
@hblx
Hayley Potter www.hayleypotter.com
@Miss_Potter
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